The humming of the car engine gave me some comfort. The swishing noise of the passing trees and houses as i wizzed past in my car echoed in my ears.
It was 3am and dark outside. The moon was up and the air was calm. I couldnt sleep. I hadnt slept for days. He was on my mind day and night.
Michael. I missed him. Even his name evoked tears and a choked up chest. My heart ached at the reality that i was being told. He was dead? Michael Jackson.. no, it cant be. Tell me its not true. That can never be true.
Tears pricked my eyes again and i wiped my face with the back of my hand in an attempt to stem the flow.
I told myself to book up, that i was being stupid. People die everyday in this world. I had to accept it and let him go. Be thankful, even, that he was at peace. But i wasnt thankful. I was angry and bereft and confused. These feelings robbed me of my sleep and the only thing that i could do to stop the cascade of thoughts that ran constantly through my head was to drive.. endlessly drive about.
But time to stop, i told myself. I nosed my car into the direction of my house. I had to find some inner peace and stop this madness that i was falling into. I had fallen into the rabbit hole and couldnt get out.
As i pulled up to the driveway, i stopped the car and got out to open my garage. Back in my car now i pulled in and stopped the engine.
In the complete darkness of the garage and the silence of my car i sat. I could hear my breathing and the thumping of my chest. And i heard a voice in my head say “turn on the radio. Whatever song is playing is meant as a sign. Turn it on”
I instinctively switched on the stereo to my car and the radio crackled into life. The radio announcer was talking in a cheery voice, “and now for all you night owls out there. One from the King of Pop” and the strains of “Human Nature” rang out. I sat there in disbelief.
Staring out into the pitch blackness, i let myself go. I hadnt listened to Michaels music for a long time. I had tried to shut it out. Now his voice was singing to me and it hit my heart with a blow.
Hot tears slid down my cheeks and painful sobs racked my chest. I missed him. I didnt want him to die. Life was so unfair. Why did this have to happen to someone like him?? What was the lesson we were to learn??
I sobbed through the whole song, and when it ended i turned off my car and got out. I was like a robot.. i put the key into my front door and shut it behind me. My house was cold and lonely.
I went straight to bed as if on autopilot. The crying had calmed me somewhat. I felt exhausted.
I laid out in bed and shut my eyes… i hugged my pillow and imagined it was Michael i was wrapping my arms around.. and i fell asleep. Finally. Sleep.
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I could hear the sounds of bells twinkling in the distance. I tried to turn my head, but i was paralysed in my sleep. I was awake but asleep. Trapped in my body. I know there was sound in my room. Unmistakable sound of bells and twinkles.. like angels feet walking on my bedroom window pane.
Then i felt a breeze against my cheek.. a warm breeze, like a summers day. Impossible, i thought.. its the middle of winter. Then i saw light through my closed eyelids. A sparkling, moving light.
The sound of the bells and the breeze on my face was soothing. But then i became uneasy. I felt a presence in my room. I knew someone was in my room. I tried to open my eyes, but i couldnt. I was still paralysed in my body, but i began to panic. I tried to open my mouth to shout, but nothing came out.
Then i felt and heard breathing next to my face. I was screaming inside. Was this a burglar? Was this a nightmare?
“I love you. You must know that” said a soothing, soft male voice.
I recognised that voice. Impossible. I had to be dreaming.
“I have come to see you. I know you are in pain. Ive come to take your pain away”
I felt the presence move away and slowly i was able to open my eyes. The sight before me took my breath away.
A stream of sparkles was floating from my window and gathering at the foot of my bed. I stared, open mouthed.
My room became comfortably warm and breezy and i felt instant peace in my heart.
The sparkles and golden light began to swirl around and make the form of a man… the light gathering to the right side of his form, lighting up the left side of his body.
“Step forward. I want to see you” I breathed in a low voice.
And the figure did.. out of the light stepped the love of my life. Michael Jackson.
He was glowing in the light, and wearing a white fitted suit with a gold armband and gold belt around his waist. He was wearing gold cufflinks and gold shoes. His hair was a mass of black curls which tumbled around his chiselled, handsome face.
He smiled at me and i saw pure happiness and love shine out from his eyes. He looked like an angel. My hero.
“Why are you here?” i asked.
“I see and feel your pain. I know you are in pain because of me and i cant accept that. I have been sent to comfort you. To make you believe that all is not lost. I am still here, even if im not here in the form you once knew.”
“Michael”, i cried, “why did you have to go and leave us?”
“It is not for me to answer that question. I do not know the reason. But know i am ok. I am in love now. And i see you. I see you all on Earth. I can see into your hearts now. I know what love i have and it makes me strong here on the other side”
Michael stepped towards me and i sat up in my bed. He moved towards the side of the bed, so he was facing me.. and then he sat next to me. The air moved with him and i could smell a wonderful scent of Black Orchid perfume.
I looked into his eyes. Deep, brown loving eyes. His lips were bitten red in colour and his skin the colour of coffee. He was perfect. He always had been, but here in this form he had no human flaws. All his physical illnesses had fallen away. He had his curls back. A full head of glorious, black , glossy curls that framed his delicate face. His skin had a wonderful and delicious dark tone. Chest hairs poked out from under his white shirt and he looked the perfect weight for his frame.
As i gazed at him, he smiled at me and raised his hand. His large hand cupped my face and he wiped away a tear from my eye with his thumb. I didnt even realise i was weeping.
“Dont cry” he breathed, “i am here with you”
I moved my head to nuzzle into his hand and melted into the sensation of his skin against mine. I let out a sigh of contentment.
Michael moved closer and pulled me into a hug, wrapping both of his arms around me and enveloping me into his chest. I had never felt so safe in my life. I felt safe and warm and loved.
“Keep me here in this hug, Michael”
“I will stay here as long as you need me” he replied, and kissed the top of my forehead. My skin tingled with the sensation of his wet lips on my skin.
I began to relax into his body. I just breathed all the love into me. I absorbed his smell and his feel. I melted into him and all my anquish disappeared. I had no fear, no sadness. Those feelings had been replaced with happiness and joy.
I felt joy because i knew Michael was safe. He was living in love.
Michael pulled away from me and grabbed both my hands with his, pulling them up towards his chest, and looked deep into my eyes.
“I have given you my gift now. The gift of freedom from fear. Unshackle yourself from grief and believe that this life is just a stepping stone. This life is for learning. You have learnt how to love. Now learn how to life. I love you with all my heart, but you must step back into the world of the living now. Help people. Love people. Make mistakes, trip up every now and again. There will be times you feel lonely and unwanted. Times when you fail. But know i am here every step of the way because i live in your heart. There will be times of great happiness and success too.. and i will be there to rejoice with you.
You are ready to let me go now. I love you”
I knew he was right. I knew i could let him go now. I felt the love around him and knew that i didnt have to feel sad anymore.
He sat there looking at me, smiling and i drank him in for one last time. My lovely angel Michael.
He moved closer again and cupped my face with his hands… he moved his face closer and i could feel his sweet breath against my face. We locked eyes and i looked deep into his soul. It was beautiful. I smiled back at him. He bit his lip and moved closer to me… our lips almost touching, but not quite. The anticipation was driving me crazy.
Michael quickly moved one hand to the back of my head and pulled me into a kiss. My lips met his and the sensation was amazing. He held me in that kiss. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of our breath becoming one as we explored each other with our mouths.
As we stayed locked in that kiss, i felt Michael push me back onto the bed. With my eyes closed i felt myself getting lost in the kiss. My head felt dizzy and my body warm… i began to drift away into unconsciousness…..
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Daylight made my eyes spring open. I looked across to the clock on my beside cabinet and saw it was 11am. I had been asleep for hours!
I sat up and felt amazingly refreshed. And i couldnt help smiling as i remembered my dream i had had. What a wonderful dream!!
I quickly got up and showered and dressed. I hadnt felt this energized in months… hell, years! It was as if someone had given me a happy injection. I flung the back doors to my house open and looked down at the patio… drifting in the mid morning breeze was a large, snow white feather.
The feather floated down and landed at my feet.. maybe last night hadnt been a dream after all.. maybe my angel really did come and visit me…
gone too soon
